Despicable Dad

"Gunnar sure has some powerful puke" said Niko.

Yup,  He sure does.  

With the girls and their mommy at a bridal shower, we spent a "Boys Day" taking the dogs for a walk in the woods, then a little "Challenge Golf" with the Duarte's.  The "Challenge" being not so much in the course, but in trying to impart some sort of  'putt-putt etiquette' to our young charges.  It's difficult to putt with players walking in front of your line, 'shooting' their balls all the way to the hole like a little hockey player, or wandering off into other players holes because of the waterfalls, pirate ships, or other more interesting decorative features. But all in all, several holes-in-one were carded, and ice cream was awarded to all of the crew.  In fact, it was so exciting that shortly afterwards, Gunnar and I (much to Niko's chagrin)  retired for a great "Sunday-falling-asleep-watching-golf-and-baseball Nap"  Niko's displeasure was expressed with a symphony of whines, and the pressure was now on to finish "Boys Day" with a bang.  Bumper Boats and Go-Carts? Nah. Drive-in Movie? Hmmm... Kind of far to get to one of the Last Remaining Drive-Ins.  How about a regular movie guys? Despicable Me?! AWRIGHT!

So it's 545 the show's in an hour, I call Lynwood for Pizza and they're running an hour wait.  First minor snag.  "We'll grab pizza after the movie, guys...Gunnar? Gunnar?....." G-Man is down.  Rolling on the floor down.  "Daddy, my head hurts..." Second snag. Uh oh.  If G-Man is down, we're out.  "OK Gunnar, if you want to go, we have to leave now.  If you're not OK, we won't go.  But we have to leave now if you think you're OK to go the movie."  So he drags himself off the carpet (literally), we load up with Mike & Ike's and Twizzlers, and head off to Randolph cinemas.

There are some things in life that you can see coming but have no control over.  In basketball you're caught flat footed and your man gets that crucial step by you - you know you're beat.  You knock a glass off a table and it falls, in slow motion, out of your grasp to shatter on the floor.  Or the unmistakable coughing gurgling sound of your child about to vomit.  Which of course I hear just as we hit the on ramp to the highway, Gunnar's head is bobbing as his trademark mane is whipped by the breeze through the open car window.  No way this stuff is going OUT the window.  I should mention this is Daddy's 'new' (new to me anyway, and impeccably detailed) car, and the back seats were probably never used by the former owner.  Oh yeah.   Puke Soup all over the leather seat.  Niko to his credit doesn't budge.  He's like the guy in The Thing when Kurt Russell does the blood experiment and the blood in the petri dish jumps out of his hand and runs away, then turns into a pre-historic ice monster.  Scared of what's going on, but too scared to make a fuss about it.  So I tell Gunnar we're headed home, but ask should I pull over first.  He says yeah, and so over we go off the breakdown lane onto the grass.  Niko sees me exit on the highway side and now thinks it might be a good idea for him too.  I give him a Michael Corleone "NO!! NEVER!!" with a finger point for emphasis as I get my ass out of the way of traffic.  I get Gunnar out and now it is Pulp Fiction and I feel like The Wolf when he gets the call to clean up Vince's car with the dead body, brains and blood: we got clothes covered with stuff, stuff all over the seats and not much time.  His shirts gotta go, so I pull it over his head, wipe his face and arms and see how he's feeling.  He's more bummed about missing the movie at this point, so I take his shirt and get all the 'big stuff' out of his seat with it.  Shorts are soaked too so those come off.  I give him my shirt so now he has a dress and no pants, but he's drier and we can get home.  I get back in and get us out of the breakdown lane safely, and we're headed home.  "Time for Plan B, guys", as I turn around at the cloverleaf.

Gunnar is now whining about missing the movie, and I tell him as delicately as I can that even in this enlightened age, no movie theater is going to let us in with me shirtless and him pantless.  That doesn't go over well, and by the time we pull up in the driveway he gets out of the car, closes the door and states "WORST DAD EVER!"

Few things really ruffle my feathers like a slight on my Fatherhood, and I reply with "Plan B - CANCELLED!".  We need to shower him up, and it being summer, Niko probably hasn't showered in a week or so either, so in he goes, too.  I get them both cleaned up in record time and now Gunnar is contrite.  "Dad?  I'm really sorry about my behavior" he says.  I reply with, "OK Gunnar.  I forgive you".  And no sooner is it out of my mouth than he comes back with "Can we still have Plan B?"  Little bugger.  I wanted to take them anyway, and I check all the area movie times.  A show starts in Braintree in 10 minutes, and Braintree is 15 minutes away.  "LET'S GO!!" and we race to the car and bomb up Route 24.  "Dad! You're going too fast!" says Niko, and I tell him about the 'Fundamental Speed Law', leaving out the 'proper' part.

As luck, speed and light traffic would have it, we make it into the theater as the movie starts, and catch what we all thought was a hilarious take.  At the end, as the credits roll, both boys lean over in my lap and hug me.  Then Gunnar tops my day with "Dad...I love you.  You're the best Dad ever!", and I watched the credits to Despicable Me through teary eyes hugging my boys as hard as I could.